WELCOME TO ‘HE SAID / SHE SAID – THE BLOGGERS ED’
“So we’re back folks. Slight little hick up last week but I’m delighted to say it’s full steam ahead cause it’s Wednesday and that means it’s #HeSaidSheSaidWed time. Kids in bed? Check. Kitchen tidy? Emmmm. Drink of choice in hand? Checkers. Let’s do this so!”
Hey! Fancy getting involved? Yeah? Click the magic button & take your seat!”
The Stented Papa & The Stented Missus
SAY HI TO Hayley FROM Sparkles & stretchmarks
Hi I’m Hayley and I shall henceforth be known as the dick who ruined Ross’ amazing guest post series because she couldn’t get her shit together and email the post to the right person!! What can I say?! I’ve had 3 kids in the last 4 years, the baby brain struggle is REAL over here!
Cock ups aside, I am delighted to have been asked to join in with Ross’s series as I bloody love his blog and the He Said/She Said series is brilliant!
My usual blogging place of residence is sparklesandstretchmarks.com – which is a bit of a mish-mash of posts about everything from my life as a mum of 3 little boys (sometimes funny, sometimes not!) and our travel adventures, to mental health and depression.
My partner & I have had the experience pleasure of having had 3 babies in the space of 3 years – and in all honestly, on the whole I’m pretty bloody proud of how well we’ve handled this gigantic life change without anybody trying to leave home because to be honest? It’s not easy!
I mean…there are 3 of them and 2 of us. We are massively outnumbered. Only one of them is potty trained so we handle our fair share of literal shit every day. There’s not a day goes by that we don’t get woken up by being bashed on the head with a Batman figure, usually at around 4.15am which is what our 2 year old thinks is a totally acceptable time to begin the day….despite the fact that he rarely goes to sleep before 11pm and wakes up at least 76,000 times in between.
Our 1 year old likes to draw on walls and can locate a hidden tub of nappy cream like a sniffer dog the second your back is turned, eating a good few fistfuls of the stuff before we come back and find him.
And our 4 year old likes to watch Horrible Histories on repeat – not the entire show, just the one song…on repeat…again and again and again.
In a nutshell? We are TIRED!
But by some miracle, when it comes to raising our 3 tiny tearaways, we see eye to eye on everything and rarely have a crossed word about them…
Everything, that is, except ONE thing…
I’ll be totally honest, the first thought I had when I found out I was expecting my first baby was not “Oh my goodness I’m going to be a mother! I’m going to love this child forever and my life will be filled with joy! I wonder what he’ll grow up to be?! I wonder if he’ll change the world?!“…Nope…My first thought was “OHHH YEAH!!! I am going shopppiiiiing!”
And boy oh boy did I shop.
I spent basically the whole 9 months camped out in Mothercare, buying every Baby K and Little Bird item I could get my hands on. Before my child was even born, he had more occasion-wear than my partner has ever owned in his 42 years of life…Did I realise that babies don’t often have “Occasions” to dress for? Of course I did, I’m not an idiot! Did I care?! Fuck no! Have you seen how freakin adorable teeny tiny 3 piece suits are?!!!
4 years in to life as mum, my clothes shopping habit hasn’t waned…not even a little bit. Literally nothing in this world excites me more than going clothes shopping for my kids wardrobes.
You could dip Channing Tatum in chocolate and stand him right in front of me, but if there’s a Debenhams Sale going on? I am out of there! See ya later Channing! Nobody keeps me from a blue cross sale! I’d take Junior J bargains over chocolate dipped hunk any day!
When my other two sons came along, I reached the next level of clothes buying bliss. The nirvana of motherhood.
I swear there is nothing more adorable in the entire world than 3 of your children in matching outfits…it gives me SO MUCH JOY.
Does my partner understand this?
Does he balls!
“Despite the fact that I pride myself on the amazing collection of top notch clothing that goes into my boys wardrobe – my partner can manage to put together an absolute stinking turd of an outfit without even trying!”.
I honestly don’t know how he manages it, it’s honestly a skill – you’d look at my kids wardrobe and think every item is bloody gorgeous, adorable, could never look bad on anyone! But just let Jon at it and you’ll soon see…his mismatching ability is second to none!
Hawaiian print shirts with army camo shorts?! Why not!
The dirtiest, mankiest looking chocolate stained t shirt thats been thrown right to the back of the wardrobe for nursery messy play days? Why wouldn’t you choose that for him to wear to his cousins birthday party!
But his main talent…
…the one that actually makes my blood physically boil…is his ability to ruin a perfectly lovely outfit with a hidden pair of nightmare socks.
I’ll dress the boys in cute little matching outfits, all ready to go out of the door to the soft play, and I’ll say to Jon “Oh do me a favour and just put some socks on the kids will you?”
I don’t think to check….silly me for assuming a 42 year old fully fledged adult can be trusted to pick out a pair of socks…so we arrive to the soft play, take off their shoes and there to beautifully compliment their little baby pink chinos and soft grey t shirts are the brightest orange socks you’ve ever seen. Their feet look like the tango man has attacked them.
And you can bet your bottom dollar that when I get home and check their sock drawer there will be numerous pairs of non offensive, non clashing socks he could have chosen…I swear the man does it on purpose!!
These days though, he’s grown tired of my nagging about his terrible child-dressing skills so whenever he’s left in charge of the kids in the morning, I dread what I’ll see!
Before I venture in to my response, let me just share something – I do the washing in our house. It’s 2017 people…a woman’s job isn’t always in the kitchen, in our house the woman’s place is in front of the computer blogging away while I do the whites and the ironing…so my opinion is, why put nice stuff on them when its only going to get ruined and be a bugger for me to clean?!
The matching thing I don’t mind…if I had my way they’d all match all of the time. Always.
Navy Polo, Navy shorts, Navy (or even black if I’m feeling adventurous) socks. For all of them. All readily available, all able to be washed together. Everyone’s a winner and everyone’s happy. Practical and smart.
Better still, a three pack of polo’s for each of them in their respective age range. Navy, White and Black. Dress things up and have a change once in a while eh?
Lets face it, like the kids give a shit what they’re wearing. Do they get a Barney or get to play on the I-Pad or get a blind bag toy? If the answer is yes, they’re on it like a rash.
Well our youngest two have started to pull down their nappies and run around the house naked so I’m not sure clothing is high on their personal agenda’s and who am I to argue?
Our eldest child, (AKA Thing One), has already started the ‘I want a pyjama day‘ demands to avoid getting dressed. He’s ok once he is dressed, but those 5-10 minutes whilst dressing him soon turn in to a battle with kicks and punches levelled at your’s truly. It’s like trying to get a straitjacket on an eel.
By the time he is dressed, once immaculately ironed clothes are now creased to fuck and I’m left wondering why I bothered. He goes back to his toys and I go back to my corner to nurse my wounds. Or for a cry. Or to the kitchen for a drink. Or all three…in that order.
See their feet?
Ok so I mess up with the socks sometimes, but let me ask you, who notice’s their feet?!
Seriously, are people actually going to look down their noses at my kids socks?!
‘I say Tabitha, look at that urchins green socks with the Spiderman design being worn with cute biscuit coloured shorts and matching T-Shirt! His Dad must fucking hate him! To Social Services forthwith!’
‘ Yes Titus, let us report the fucker and get him banged up. Oh and isn’t Ocado great! Fancy a Kumquat?’
If anyone really notices or cares at soft play or wherever, then they’re obviously dicks with nothing better to do. Not my problem.
I like my kids to look nice, but if random brightly coloured socks mismatched with clothing was good enough for Micheal Jackson, then it’s good enough for my kids. Worked for him after all.
COMING UP ON ‘HE SAID / SHE SAID – THE BLOGGERS ED’
I’m delighted to say that Number 10 next Wednesday (16th Aug) is Cath aka Battlemum so make sure you don’t miss it!
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