Things I just didn’t expect as a parent

Things I didn't expect as a parent

Rightly or wrongly there were many things I expected to happen when I found out I was gonna be a parent. Well 5 and a half years into it, I can safely say there are way more things I just didn’t expect as a parent!

I think it’s fair to say that becoming a parent – for the majority of people anyway – is the most joyous yet scariest part of life. Your emotions are all over the place, your sleep routine has been shot to pieces (training for what’s to come) and if it’s your first baby, you simply haven’t a feckin clue what to expect.

What you do know is your life is gonna be different from what you’ve been use to, very different!

So in no particular order (cheers X-Factor) here are a few ‘situations’ which fairly caught me on the hop! Take a peek and see if any resonate with you. If they do, comments please 🙂 !

How quickly a situation can change

I mean like hitting fast forward on a night out with your mate who can’t handle their gargle! It’s the prerogative of a 5 & 2 yr old right?  One second everyone is happy having a laugh & a giggle and then BOOM, their world falls apart in record fashion.

What’s the issue this time ha? Let me guess, incorrect sandwich cutting techniques? Wrong colour socks? I opened the door when they really wanted to do it?! Holy feckin moly.

parent Manipulation

Things I didn't expect as a parent - Parent Manipulation

I’m convinced small children should actually rule the world!

Their powers of manipulation are matched by nobody and let me tell you, at this stage I’ve fallen for it like, emmmm a few million times!


public swaying parent!

As true as I’m typing this post now!! Yeah, so I have found myself swaying & humming twinkle fucking twinkle while queuing in the supermarket for a sandwich or God knows what – it’s become second nature to me. Only thing missing was me holding my baby while doing it!!

The ‘Physical Abuse’

Things I didn't expect as a parent OK so before anyone goes all ‘PC‘ on my ass here, relax the cacks! I’m on about horse-playing & having fun here.

So yes, maybe that’s a bit too strong a term (hence the inverted comas) but there are many days when I have whopper bruises from when the girls decide to launch themselves at me with absolutely zero warning.

You know, when cuddles turn and end up including WWE style elbows nailed into your gut/head/back/shins (etc) and the worse ones of all – the full force raised knee manoeuvre straight into me jimmies!!


They’re like liquid gold – and good luck trying to find that!!!

The Mess
Things I didn't expect as a parent
This is on a good day

So Nip#1 was a pretty tidy baby/toddler. Still is in fact. #EasyParenting + #FalseDawn = Nip#2!

Nip#2 rode in on her imaginary Harley spraying all sorts of shite, mess & muck everywhere – on me, on the walls, on the floor…..on the dog FFS!! But together, they are like an internal tornado.

She’s the ‘I’ll just shove me jam sandwich into your very expensive DVD player yeah cause that’s where it should be – and there’s fuck all you can do about it pal’. 


conveyor belt of clothes

Things I didn't expect as a parentThey grow out of clothes so quickly that sometimes it feels like we work in a clothes store and we are on a conveyor belt from their wardrobes to the attic.

We’re gonna apply for an energy conservation grant based on the number of vacuum bags full of clothes we have in our attic right now.

BTW – If anyone is looking for more or less brand new girls clothes from new born to 24ms just let me know. (No seriously do).

parent Tears

Things I didn't expect as a parentThis is the same for both me & the Stented Missus.

I’m not afraid to admit this but since having Nip#1 the tears flow much easier. It could be something obviously upsetting in the news children related or just the way a mum or dad look with pride at their kid on X-Factor.

Sad but true!


There’s feck all you can do about these so we just roll with them. The good, bad, and the very bad. When your nips are young – especially the first – you have the odd moments of brilliance where you really think you’ve absolutely crushing it as a Dad….your child eats, sleeps and shits at the right time and if you’re really flying, in the right order too!!

You think you’re an amazing parent, you are an incredible parenting team…..and then the next phase comes to kick you in the jimmies 😜. Experience tells us to accept & enjoy the good phases and reminds us through the bad ones that there’ll be something else coming up very soon.

Bums & farts are feckin hilarious!

Things I didn't expect as a parentThey really are. During our first wedding just after our vows, Nip#1 let out the biggest ripper of a fart just as everything went quiet! It had us all in stitches but she didn’t bat an eyelid! Cool as a cucumber and even then she had the balls to looks at us all and go ‘Whaaaat?!’

But it’s fair to say that the conversation around bums and farts keeps the nips laughing their arses off all the time. (Pun absolutely intended 🙂 ).


Holy fucking Jesus. Why? Seriously why?!!!

Bodily fluids

At this stage, I’m way too comfortable with these things. ‘Food goes in, shit comes out‘. That was one of the first things my Dad said to me after we told him we were expecting and ya know what, he’s spot on. Shit, shit, & more shit. I am the shit man. Child, Toddler & dog – I’m all over it.

parent days off….


Don’t get me wrong, right now, I wouldn’t trade being a SAHD for the world. I love it. I’m passionate about it. I want to help change the negative mindset around Dads not working to ‘babysit’ > what a load of fucking outdated wank. A Dad is a parent and we do a dam good job of being one. End of.

But I’m not a machine at the same time. T2 I ain’t. Getting a day off is so few and far between and no matter what your job is, days off are essential.

Bar my stag party in February, the last time I had 2 days off back to back was in March this year and they were the first in about a year.

How did I manage to get 2 days off back to back? I was going into hospital for surgery!! Surgery on my right wrist to separate a ‘Fistola‘ which had unfortunately formed after I’d my stents put in a year earlier.

Things I didn't expect as a parentNo shit, I literally bounced into hospital. I am lucky in that I’ve private health care via The Stented Missus job but the way I saw it was I’d two days off from the world man – I was blowing steam out of my head like a screaming kettle! (name that film anyone?!).

I’d the laptop with me and I could blog away when I wanted. I read my kindle, watched TV and I slept. Oh the sleep! Basically I was on the full chill – bar the surgery and being wacked out of it for the best part of a day – but it was like a proper break and I arrived home looking like a million dollars – bar a huge 2/3 inch scare on my wrist that looks fairly gammy, all I could think was ‘yeah that was badly needed‘ lol 🙂

So – in conclusion –

It’s fair to say becoming a parent is such a massive learning curve. You’re thrown into the deep end and you learn how to swim as fast as you can. Do we always get it right? Do we fuck! But we learn as we go and we become better parents because of it.

Personally, becoming a Dad has been the making of me. My two daughters have turned me into a man. A man who absolutely loves his job. A man who provides for his girls with pride, fun, laughter, the ‘odd’ raised voice here & there (like I said, T2 I ain’t!!) and with unlimited amounts of love.

Bottom Line?

Being a (Stay at Home) Dad absolutely ROCKS 🙂

What’s your story?


12 Comments Add yours

  1. This is brilliant and I have laughed the whole way through – it’s so true. The last time I had ‘2 days off back to back’ was when I put my back out and had to be on complete rest! Other than the pain loved it. Even the kids looked after me! #TriumphantTales

    1. Hey Jo! Sorry for the late reply! It’s just bananas if you think about it that something like an injury / sickness / surgery has to happen in order to get some continuous days ‘off’ LOL. I’m telling you, they don’t write that on the condom packets ha?!!!! Thanks a million for reading. Cheers, Ross #TriumphantTales

  2. Avatar Jaki says:

    Bloody loved this post, Ross! YES, to all of the above, but on reading this, it’s come to my attention that I haven’t had two days off back to back in almost SIX years. I need to sort that shit out! Thanks for sharing with us at #TriumphantTales, we’d love to see you back again next week.

    1. Hey Jaki!!! First off – Featured Blogger of the week for this post – well I’m am humbled, thank you so much!!! Secondly, so sorry for the late reply, I’m blaming the end of the holidays & jet lag!!!

      6 years & no back-to-back days off?!!! WTF missus?!!! You’re dead right, you do need to sort that out. If I was you, I grab Hubby and say ‘Listen here pal, I’ve booked a weekend away and you’re on duty. Here’s the kids, the food is in there, don’t call me. If you need to call anyone, call the take away. C-Ya’

      (Jaysus, he’s gonna love me for that ha?!!!!) I’m new posts for next week. Chat then! Ross #TriumphantTales

  3. Avatar Claire Rocks says:

    I do love posts like this!

    1. Agh thanks a million Claire, so glad you liked it! (Apologies for the late reply, I was abroad). Thanks for reading, Ross #TriumphantTales

  4. OMG Yes to all of these. I don’t think I was prepared for the physical violence and mood swings at all! #TriumphantTales

    1. Hehehe, me neither Helen. The amount of times my crown jewels has had a full force knee (albeit from a 6 &/or 3 yrs old) but it’s still a knee it’s crazy. It’s surprising I don’t have a permanent high pitched voice at this stage!!! Thanks so much for reading. Chat soon, Ross. #TriumphantTales

  5. So true. A parent NEVER has a day off! #triumphanttales

    1. N-E-V-E-R E-V-E-R !!!!!!! But it’s still the best job in the world!!! Thanks for reading & commenting Tracey. Heading over to you’rs now to do the whole following thing. Cheers, Ross #TriumphantTales

    2. N-E-V-E-R E-V-E-R !!!!!!! But it’s still the best job in the world!!! Thanks for reading & commenting Tracey. Heading over to yours now to do the whole following thing. Cheers, Ross #TriumphantTales

  6. omg I loved this post – fantastic writing utter truths – and made me laugh over and over. Thanks xx

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